New Year's Resolutions

1. Listen to the radio more (not having a car/not dancing at the Townhouse 3 times a week has made me ignorant of popular music).

2. Go to more classes at the gym (that's why I'm paying for the gym, otherwise I could just use the shitty elliptical machines at my job).

3. Continue not over-working myself (each year, get 12% lazier).

4. Continue eating a lot of fruits and vegetables. 

5. Learn how to swim.

6. Not freak out when I get kind of anxious.

7. Meet a lot of cool, open-minded people.

8. Wear sun-screen when it's sunny outside.

9. Have lots of awesome sexxx.

10. Go dancing more often. 

If You Open Up a Little

One of my volunteers gave me this cutting board today. She's a really quiet, introverted woman- we don't talk much about our lives. We just teach the class together and then she goes home. Today we had a little down-time because the students were working in reading groups. She pulled out this cutting board and offered it to me, slightly embarrassed.

"My friend is working on this project out in California," she said. "Homeless people can work on these cutting boards and then he helps them get their needs met. It's kind of way to get them jobs," she said quietly.

I looked at the board and then held it in my hands and I had a very visceral memory and I wanted to tell her about it. About how it looked like some things my brother had made for me in his art therapy classes in the psych ward. I opened my mouth, faltered, and then decided to go ahead.

"I like that kind of project," I told her. "When I see homeless people, I think about my brother, because he has schizophrenia, and I know they have problems like him."

 She nodded very firmly. "I had a brother with schizophrenia," she said.

"Did he kill himself?" I asked. (about half of people with schizophrenia attempt suicide)

 "We don't know," she said. "He either jumped or fell off an overpass."

 And then what happened was an amazing conversation, where I could just be really plain and ask her really blunt questions and she told me her answers really bluntly and neither one of us had to explain anything or soften anything.

 "Were you scared to have kids?" I asked her.

"Terrified," she said. (schizophrenia has a genetic component. My brother and my uncle have schizophrenia; my grandma and two other uncles had psychotic episodes that required hospitalizations. This woman had an uncle, brother, and nephew with schizophrenia). "But I had a girl." (females don't get it as often) "And then I adopted my other children. My bio-daughter is 19."

And then we both nodded, because 19 is about the age when you start seeing it exhibited. She gave me some good advice- adopt children and/or make sure your partner doesn't have a family background of mental illness. "Totally," I agreed.

 I could be really honest with her. "Sometimes I avoid going home because seeing me upsets my brother. He doesn't want me to be a grown-up. He wants me to be 15, because that's how old I was when he first got sick." And she totally got it.

<3

Infinity

I Remembered Something

I've been very reluctant to post on here, just because...  I dunno.  I don't want people to read what I write?  But in any case, most of my writing has been taking place in the off-line world, just to assure you that I have been writing. 

I've been doing well, other than a few bumps.  For instance, I've been seeing a therapist again because I've been having weird pains in my body.  In August/September, it was an invisible hand gripping my throat and squeezing.  In November, it was a fist in my stomach that grabbed me so hard that I thought I would faint. 

The therapist asked me some very good questions about the stomach pain.  For instance, when did the pain happen?

"It happened twice, and both times, I was talking to a man."

What kind of men?

"They were both really nice men.  Cute and nice."

Are you afraid of men?

"No."

What were you thinking about when the pain started?

"I was trying to figure out how I was going to sleep with them."

*eyebrows raised*  Really?

*me, embarrassed* "Yeah."

Did you want to sleep with them?

"I dunno.  Yeah, I did.  I just wanted to get it all over with as fast as possible."

Is that how you've always felt about sex?

"No." [and then at this point I began thinking about The Bad Stuff that happened to me kind of early on in my sexual life, and feeling sad about that]

What were you like before the trauma happened?

[and then I was surprised at how easily I did remember how I used to be, and I felt a strong rush of almost-pleasure at how I used to be]  "I used to really take my time.  Sometimes we would wait a long time.  Or sometimes we wouldn't even have sex because I didn't want to." 

Did you ever think that maybe you're not the kind of person that sleeps with people right away?

"I just thought I was different after that stuff happened."

Maybe you were around a different kind of thinking, and you just took that thought and started thinking it.  You just got confused. 
********
And immediately, I felt better.  What a way to think about it... I just got confused.  And it makes sense to me- every time I tried to get myself out of The Bad Times, I was told that I didn't know what "real" relationships were like because I was so "inexperienced."  And so when I did get out, I just wanted to sleep with as many people as I could, just to put as much distance between the old me and the new me as possible.  The therapist told me, once again, that I need to listen to my body, because it's giving me a message.  My body was like, don't do this.  Because I need to actually get to know someone first.  What a revelation.  The thing is, I knew that before I even had sex the first time.  I was smart back then, and I'm still smart but I got confused for a while. 

Open vs. Closed

Today I was wondering if I should write more on this blog, and if I should tell people about it. One friend of mine was talking about blogs a few weeks ago and I admitted to her that this blog existed and she was hurt that I hadn't told her about it. But I don't really want to open it up, I don't think. I want to have everything a little compartmentalized. I'll have the facebook page for some things, then I'll have the education blog for pay, and the classroom blog for my students, and this blog just for a few people that also happen to be bloggers. Haha and then I'll have my novels on Google Docs, and this will all be fine.

I am home for Christmas and struggling with boredom and lethargy, but happy that I'll be going back to my own life tomorrow. And when I go back, the madness will end- no more Christmas cookies, no more sugary treats, it's back to business. I have about twenty pounds that I want to lose, and I want most of it gone by March for when I hit the sunny playas of EL SALVADOR. I've already lost something like 35 pounds, so I know I can do it.

The Dial Up

Today I had lunch with a current LVCer and she had a comment that really made me laugh. She said, "I'm not very good at Facebook, you know. I grew up with dial-up." I was like, "Hahaha what do you think I grew up with? We didn't even HAVE the internet." Oh, that was funny.

I went to a clothing exchange today. I didn't get much, because all the girls there were about a size 4, but I did get rid of all of my 16s and most of my 14s! It was great to try on all my clothes today and see how many of them were too big for me. I think I'm about the same size I was when I finished working at the high school. Now, to get to the size I was in LVC...

La Playa

It's amazing how refreshing a day at the beach is.  I barely even swim, I just go in the water a couple of times to cool off.  Other than that, I just close my eyes and feel the breeze on my skin and the sounds of the water.  I feel so close to the people around me, even though I don't even know them.  I listen to their conversations and smile at their babies, and everyone is so happy with each other.