I think my sinus/ear infection got to my brain. Or something happened to make me really emotional. Yesterday I screamed and howled and called my therapist for an emergency appointment and just cried/was furious all day.
It started when my roommate asked me to not leave my kleenexes in the kitchen, to not spread germs. It was just one kleenex that I had forgotten on the counter, because my pajamas had no pockets. I apologized, she left, and then I cried. Who was she to talk to me that way when I was sick? I went into one of my crazy spirals where I was consumed with the fear that I am dirty.
When I was a little kid, my mom didn't take care of us, so I was always dirty. I'm not saying this to blame my mom. She was mentally ill, so she couldn't do much for us. My hair was always tangled and dirty, and my teeth were never brushed. My clothes had stains on them and I wore the same clothes day after day. I had lice at least once a year, and kids would dare each other to touch my hair. My fingernails were always long and dirty, and kids always said that I smelled bad (and I probably did). I kind of learned how to take care of myself bit by bit, so by the time I hit college I knew how to manage myself.
My adult life has been all about me staying "clean" and presentable, so this Kleenex thing really threw me for a loop. I had an anxiety attack. I'm dirty, dirty, dirty, I kept thinking. And the whole time, I knew how crazy this was! Of course I'm not dirty, not any more than any other person or my roommate is.
Today I feel totally drained, both physically and emotionally.
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